Last two weeks has been full of unexpected occurrences. It began when the result of SPA came out, I got D. Shocked at first and couldn’t seem to accept the reality. I went back and forth to Bandung, not to change the result, but rather to ensure that I’ve done everything I could to change it. I told myself not to expect too much from the beginning. and yes, the reality is inevitable, the result didn’t change, I still got D, and have to retake that subject all over again.
What I felt during those days were quite complicated. I was disappointed with myself that I didn’t do well this semester, I was a little bit frustrated, I didn’t know what to do, I was afraid thinking how to deal with what I’d face in the future, afraid of losing friends, changing another circle of friends, afraid of that uncertainty in the future. Afraid that the ugly truth will not bring anything good, the disaster will not turned out to be a blessing in disguise, Afraid that this was meant to be some kind of punishment for me. Sometimes when the pressure was too hard I just want to shut my eyes down, hoping to wake up in a different life situation. Sorrowful, depressed, and yet at the same time, I was relieved.
Because this has been a great fear of me since the very beginning of university life. I was so scared even to take a look at it, I was so careful talking to people about it, making sure it hurt no one when I talked about it. i was so guarded, confined in my own fear. And now here I am, at the state of going through the great fear i thought I wouldn’t be able to face.
This writing has been a great help for me to go through these things. I read it several times, and it calmed me down. “It’s okay to be a nobody, if in all you do, you serve Somebody”. Being a perfectionist it was hard for me to accept failure, this sentence, remind me that sometimes it’s okay to fail because in our weakness the strength of God appears, in our failure the greatness of God shines through.
Another insight came to me Last Sunday, Rev. Tong said that we should be thankful in every situation of our lives. We are not worthy of any of His grace yet He has blessed us abundantly during our entire life. And there will be times when He hold His grace from us. it is the time to see whether we want God or just His blessings, it is the time to test our faithfulness toward Him. Rev. Tong also said that when His grace was taken from us we should not get mad or disappointed with Him, instead we should ever thanked God for whatever the grace we’ve received.
I also watched Inside Out, the movie taught me that sometimes sadness takes part in the most beautiful moments we have in our lives. sometimes the worst thing in life brings out the best of us, sometimes an ugly duckling does turn out to be a graceful swan. we just haven’t seen it yet. Life is not about what happened to you, it’s about how you react towards them. Sometimes we’ve got to be kicked out of our comfort zone forcefully in order to experience much more beneficial things for us.
Sometimes we’ve got to get slapped hard to point us toward another direction in order to see things from different perspective.
So I thanked God for these crazy unexpected yet full of fun fortnight I’ve been through. I thanked God He sustained me through every situation of my life, I thanked God He kicked me out of my comfort zone, I thanked God I have this kind of attitude towards what seemed to be such a bad thing. I thanked God for this life full of surprise and blessings.