Change

The world is always changing, the world is spinning rapidly and change is everywhere around you. It’s like the air is contained with it. Changes are inevitable. sometimes change brings joy, sometimes it brings sorrow.

The most pathetic change is the change you have already predicted from the beginning and you know you have no right to stop that change. The change that makes you happy but at the same time stabs you in the heart. The change that was supposed to happen, and there’s no one you can blame about. The only one you can blame is your vulnerable self. The change that seems invisible but subtly hurt you the most. The change that made you cry over but there’s no one you can tell about, cause everybody seems to be happy with the change and you don’t want to ruin it and make them feel bad.

But I believe every change will bring goodness, every knock hurts, but it also shapes this heart and mind to be a better version of themselves, It may not be visible now, but it eventually will. Because the change happens in the sovereignty of God who loves and cares so much about this unworthy human being

Some New Stuff

Jadi, setelah lebih dari setengah tahun berlalu dan gue belum menyentuh blog ini. Akhirnya sebelum masuk kuliah lagi merasa harus menyempatkan diri menulis. Semester lalu adalah semester yang sibuk (seperti biasa) sibuk himpunan lah, nugas, gereja, sayembara, dll. Bersyukur gue masih bs melewati semester ini hidup-hidup :”, bersyukur juga nilai smt ini lebih baik dari semester kemarin yang sangat mengecewakan. Semester lalu selain diisi banyak tugas, diisi pula dengan hal” yang baru. Setelah ga lolos studio gue jadi berganti jadwal, dan secara gak langsung berganti circle of friends. Berganti topik” pembicaraan, berganti pula pemikiran” gue.

New Friend. Ya not exactly new, Jadi punya teman dekat baru. bukannya dia menggantikan temen” yg udah lama, tapi satu dan lain hal membawa kami jd deket *terpaksa* Tau ga sih gimana rasanya punya temen deket baru? rasanya kayak putus sama temen deket lu yang lama terus jadian lagi (ngmg apasih pdhal jadian aja blm prnah) tapiii kira” begitu lah gambarannya. Intinya kami hampir bersama selama 24/7 udah kayak seven eleven. Studio bareng, kelas bareng, pulang masih chat, abis itu skype begadang ngerjain tugas, kalo ketiduran jg saling bangunin, terus kelas bareng lagi, makan bareng, and the cycle goes on. Bersyukur banget sih gue masih dikasi teman-teman yg asik dan seru setelah kegagalan di SPA kemarin. Seperti habis kena air panas terus dikasi odol. rasanya menyejukkan hati gitu *maaf gomballl hahaha* Gue gatau kenapa bisa deket sama si satu ini mungkin udah dari semester lalu ada beberapa yang sekelas juga, terus ke bali bareng, terus menghadapi masalah” bareng, terus sempet bermalam juga di jakarta maupun di bandung, terus one thing led to another, we become close like perangko. Gue baru sama satu orang ini literally talking all night long. dari ngomongin yang ga penting sampe ngomongin yang serius dan bikin baper. Mungkin karena anak arsi juga sih ya jadi biasa begadang *padahal kl bikin tugas biasanya ketiduran* this is something new buat gue. Yes I have some amazing close friends back in Jakarta, tapi close as in deket dan bener” ada selama gue kuliah di bandung, ya baru 1 kayaknya hahaha. So pardon me when I’m not being a good friend, This is my first time hehe.

Kemarin ini baru nonton “Miss You Already” filmnya mengharukan. Jadi tentang 2 orang sahabat yang super dekat dan salah satunya kena kanker. Film itu menggambarkan persahabatan yang sangat indah, tapi juga realistis. and I really really wish I could have that kind of friend in my life, yang sampe tua. Gue berharap semua pertemanan yang pernah gue miliki gak putus begitu aja ketika terpisah sama waktu dan jarak, gatau sih apa yang ada di depan tapi gue berharap bs melakukan yang terbaik buat keep in touch dan keep close sampe tua sama mereka:)

New Responsibilities. Semester lalu nilai gue naik, in fact ini adalah ip tertinggi selama kuliah :” semester lalu target gue adalah naikin ip, semester ini targetnya mempertahankan ip, semoga gue makin bisa mengatur segalanya dengan bijaksana. Semester ini juga gue bakal pindah jadi gak ngekos lagi, pasti lebih ribet ngurusinnya dibanding sekedar ngekos, harus bangun lebih pagi pula, semoga gue kuat melakukan semua hal ini *praying*

New Beginning. Semester lalu juga mengajarkan gue untuk let go of certain things. terkadang apa yang kita pikir baik belum tentu yang terbaik bagi orang lain. Apalagi kalau udah berhubungan sama perasaan orang yang terlalu complicated untuk dijelaskan, terkadang kita aja sulit mengerti apa yg kita sendiri rasakan sama orang lain, apalagi mau menentukan apa yang orang lain rasakan sama kita. Jadi menurut gue itu urusan mereka untuk menetukan apa yang mereka rasain sama kita. Berbuat baik dan memberikan yang terbaik buat orang itu gak salah, tapi hal itu jadi salah saat kita menuntut kebaikan kita dibalas. Dan kalau kita merasa kecewa dan sakit ketika org lain gak bisa membalas hal itu, yaudah stop hurting yourself. ini bukan egois, tapi ini kebijaksanaan dan self respect. Untuk apa membiarkan diri ini terus menderita buat hal-hal yang kurang penting, energi dan waktu buat menahan sakitnya selama ini mungkin bisa dipake buat hal-hal lain yang mendatangkan lebih banyak kebaikan bagi orang lain. kalo kata alkitab sih jangan memberikan mutiara ke babi (?) Tapi sejujurnya ini jauuuuh lebih mudah dikatakan daripada dilakukan. Karena yang namanya perasaan emang ga bisa dipaksain sih

Jadi setelah nonton When Marnie was There gue kembali diingatkan untuk jangan mengeluh soal orang” di sekitar kita karena kadang kita gak sadar bahwa mereka udah susah payah memberikan yang terbaik bagi kita. Intinya belajar lebih bersyukur buat apa yang kita punya. Lalu belajar lebih melihat apa yang kita terima daripada apa yang kita berikan. It’s okay kalau kebaikan dan perasaan gue mungkin gak dibales sama orang lain, gue punya orang-orang di sekitar gue yang selalu sayang sm gue kok *berusahategar* Lalu ya try to open up a bit, jangan menutup diri karena takut sakit hati, tapi harus lebih membuka diri dan berani ambil risiko, ibaratnya asap kalo hatinya ditutup itu kesedihannya ikut terperangkap di dalem, kalo dibuka emang pasti ada resiko disakiti lagi, tapi di saat yang bersamaan kesedihan itu bakal menguap *sokbijak* hehehe

So, here I am, hoping to be ready for new things coming ahead. Semoga beberapa bulan ke depan gue bisa mempelajari hal” yang berharga dan bisa di share disini (God help me). See ya!

To be thankful or not to be..

Last two weeks has been full of unexpected occurrences. It began when the result of SPA came out, I got D. Shocked at first and couldn’t seem to accept the reality. I went back and forth to Bandung, not to change the result, but rather to ensure that I’ve done everything I could to change it. I told myself not to expect too much from the beginning. and yes, the reality is inevitable, the result didn’t change, I still got D, and have to retake that subject all over again.

What I felt during those days were quite complicated. I was disappointed with myself that I didn’t do well this semester, I was a little bit frustrated, I didn’t know what to do, I was afraid thinking how to deal with what I’d face in the future, afraid of losing friends, changing another circle of friends, afraid of that uncertainty in the future. Afraid that the ugly truth will not bring anything good, the disaster will not turned out to be a blessing in disguise, Afraid that this was meant to be some kind of punishment for me. Sometimes when the pressure was too hard I just want to shut my eyes down, hoping to wake up in a different life situation. Sorrowful, depressed, and yet at the same time, I was relieved.

Because this has been a great fear of me since the very beginning of university life. I was so scared even to take a look at it, I was so careful talking to people about it, making sure it hurt no one when I talked about it. i was so guarded, confined in my own fear. And now here I am, at the state of going through the great fear i thought I wouldn’t be able to face.

This writing has been a great help for me to go through these things. I read it several times, and it calmed me down. “It’s okay to be a nobody, if in all you do, you serve Somebody”. Being a perfectionist it was hard for me to accept failure, this sentence, remind me that sometimes it’s okay to fail because in our weakness the strength of God appears, in our failure the greatness of God shines through.

Another insight came to me Last Sunday, Rev. Tong said that we should be thankful in every situation of our lives. We are not worthy of any of His grace yet He has blessed us abundantly during our entire life. And there will be times when He hold His grace from us. it is the time to see whether we want God or just His blessings, it is the time to test our faithfulness toward Him. Rev. Tong also said that when His grace was taken from us we should not get mad or disappointed with Him, instead we should ever thanked God for whatever the grace we’ve received.

I also watched Inside Out, the movie taught me that sometimes sadness takes part in the most beautiful moments we have in our lives. sometimes the worst thing in life brings out the best of us, sometimes an ugly duckling does turn out to be a graceful swan. we just haven’t seen it yet. Life is not about what happened to you, it’s about how you react towards them. Sometimes we’ve got to be kicked out of our comfort zone forcefully in order to experience much more beneficial things for us.

Sometimes we’ve got to get slapped hard to point us toward another direction in order to see things from different perspective.

So I thanked God for these crazy unexpected yet full of fun fortnight I’ve been through. I thanked God He sustained me through every situation of my life, I thanked God He kicked me out of my comfort zone, I thanked God I have this kind of attitude towards what seemed to be such a bad thing. I thanked God for this life full of surprise and blessings.

Midnight Reflection of a Twenty-Year-Old Me

So I used to write a post on my birthday, but this year I was quite overwhelmed by some stuffs that need to be done. I think this is just another reflection and thought about the past year for me. Earlier today I spent my time hanging out with some old friends. We had great time we talked about so many things, not some unimportant gossip about anyone we knew (I admit it is inevitable) but what I love the most was how we talked about life, about future, about our lives, we even talked about religion and politics. How we all grown up to be more mature, wiser, and how we learn to laugh at ourselves. that’s what fascinated me the most. and later tonight I watched a movie called “If I stay” It’s a movie about a girl who got into a car accident and lost her family. while she was in her coma, she saw everyone who loved her stayed there and showed so much affection towards her. and what i learned from this movie was life can get as rough as it wants us to give up and quit, but we can’t quit for the people who loved us, and when we felt that life is no longer worth to be lived, we ought to remember what others have done to us, what they sacrificed for us. Don’t let all of those things turned to vain.

Bible thought us to live in order to fulfil our calling. to fulfil our duty in the world, I always consider calling as something I do to make the world a better place, something big and significant. but today a thought came into my mind reminding me that we are called to lived a life. every second of our lives is a chance to fulfil our calling. it’s not just about your occupation, it’s about who we are. We’re not only called to be an engineer, an architect, a doctor, a designer, or any profession you will have in the future, we are called to be a daughter, a son, a friend, a sister, a brother, a wife, a husband, an aunt, an uncle, a nephew, a niece, a listener, a helpful neighbour, a friendly stranger, someone who do the act of kindness to anyone we can reach, someone who woke up at 3am to help a friend in need, someone who wouldn’t mind showing some road direction to a stranger, someone who prayed for the one he hated so much, someone who apologise first, someone who put himself behind the importance of others, someone who will be happy to do any act of love for his brothers and sisters. We might be called to do a big significant world-changing thing, but we are also called to do these little, seemed-unimportant, not-a-big-deal things in our lives. The thing that might have slipped when we are busy thinking how to change the world.

Another thing I learned is that we shouldn’t let go of what matters to us most. What we have right now might be taken anytime, If you want to show the people you love that you really love them, do it now. do it before the time runs out. because when the time is up, your words will be words, your tears will be tears. no matter how hard you want to show them your affection they will not be able to feel it anymore. so, this past year I just wanna thank God for anything happened, every moment was unbelievable. now that i’m 20, I hope I could be more mature, more careful, closer to God. I wanna be a person who consider my life as a chance to live this life to the fullest, to live the life I’ve been called to live.

Shopping Cart

So every year, when it was nearly my birthday, I have always been afraid of embracing another year of my life. I was afraid of not using my time wisely, afraid of not doing well for the past year, afraid that I have less time to do all the things I wanna do, Afraid of not being obliged to grow up and obliged to do certain things people usually do at certain age, afraid that I cannot do some activities I used to do back then, and many more things, it’s like I was living in hurry, trying to accomplish anything on my bucket list before the sand on the annual clock runs out.

This year I’ll be turning twenty. It is pretty scary to know that my teenage will soon be over. I already have most of the stuffs on my bucket list checked, My friends may feel like I have a pretty awesome teenage life, but the worry never stops. Every time I see a countdown timer towards my birthday, I have a mini heart attack and a voice saying “oh no! My clock is ticking” how should I spend the rest of my limited teenage days? I don’t know. I spent most of the days doing assignments, I barely slept, nor have the time to think about how I should spend these days. I really have no idea about it.

Then one day I realize that I am not running in front of the time, I am moving along with time. I can’t go faster or slower. Time goes on, and so do life. What should I do?

Life is like strolling along a grocery shop, within a shopping cart. A cart that never stops, a cart that constantly moves and you can’t get out of it. This is a cart of time. The cart passes through aisle of chances, this aisle offers different kind of stuffs. You can grab whatever you want on the shelves. Sometimes you have to raise your hand to grab it, sometimes you have to jump, or even climb the other shelves to grab what you think you need in your life.

Sometimes you doubt whether to snatch those chances and put it inside your cart, or just leave it there untouched. Sometimes you have to throw out some unnecessary things in order to make more space for more important things, it all depends on your purpose. The thing you want to create throughout your life. If you want to make some cakes grab some flour then, if you wanna make lemon squash, grab some lemon and some cups. You wanna travel around the world? Look forward to save some money from now. You wanna give free education to poor children? Start volunteering. You wanna hike the everest? Start training.

You don’t even know what you wanna make? Start searching! You breath for a reason, if you don’t know what it is, grab some equipment to discover it. It’s called prayer and the word of God.

I am still looking forward to discover what God wants me to do, but not in a hurry, I’m still trying to use my time wisely and efficiently, to show my responsibility towards what God have given to me, not because the big paranoia of limited time I have before 20.

Now there’s only 2 months left, I do not have big phenomenal jaw-dropping project to be done. But I’m not worried anymore, because I stopped assuming that I was running in front of the time and start embracing the reality that I am moving along steadily on the shopping cart, moved by the everlasting hands of my Father:)

Mimpi

Mimpi ini berawal dari proses pembuatan esai untuk aplikasi universitas idaman di luar negeri. Architecture for Humanity, itulah yang memantapkan pilihanku pada dunia arsitektur. Waktu berlalu, aplikasi perguruan tinggi gagal, gagal sudah mimpi untuk kuliah di luar negeri. Namun aku tetap diijinkan mencicipi pendidikan di bidang pilihanku, di dalam negeri tentunya.

Setahun telah berlalu, mimpi ini terkubur diantara tugas dan kegiatan yang melelahkan. Terkubur diantara tawa dan canda teman-teman seperjuangan, diantara suka duka kehidupan perkuliahan.

Suatu hari, rasa bosanku pada waktu liburan mendorongku membuka sebuah website buildabroad.org yang menyediakan program relawan pembangunan ke guatemala, dan tempat” lain di Amerika Latin. Mimpi itu muncul kembali, saat tidak kutemukan program serupa di Indonesia, saat semua progam relawan ke indonesia ditawarkan dalam bahasa asing. Saat foto-foto yang ada memperlihatkan orang berambut pirang bekerja membantu di sekolah lokal.

Aku bermimpi, bangsa ini boleh dibangun dengan tangan pemuda-pemudi Indonesia
Aku bermimpi, bangsa ini boleh maju dengan keringat kita sendiri
Aku bermimpi, generasi muda menjadi generasi yang giat berkarya
Aku bermimpi, setiap anak boleh mencicipi pendidikan yang layak
Aku bermimpi, setiap komunitas memiliki gedung sekolah yang baik,
Aku bermimpi, gedung ini dibangun bersama oleh putra-putri Indonesia
Aku bermimpi, bangunan ini boleh berdiri diatas semangat rela berkorban
Aku bermimpi, melihat kasih dan kerelaan di mata setiap pemuda-pemudi dalam membangun bangsanya
Aku bermimpi, melihat tatapan haru dan syukur di wajah setiap siswa
Aku bermimpi, menyaksikan senyuman terukir di wajah para orang tua

Aku rindu, dapat menjadi bagian dari peristiwa ini
Aku rindu, menjadi berkat bagi banyak orang
Aku rindu, memakai kedua tanganku membangun bangsa ini
Aku rindu, berkeliling Indonesia mendirikan gedung sekolah
Aku rindu, muncul organisasi yang menyediakan kesempatan ini di Indonesia
Aku rindu, menanamkan kepedulian setiap anak muda terhadap bangsa
Aku rindu, menemukan cara membuat hal ini terwujud

Tak kusangka, kehancuran sebuah mimpi membawa kepada kelahiran mimpi lain, yang jauh lebih indah, jauh lebih berarti.

Borrowed Life

Once there lived two men, the first man was rich, he owned decent place of living, he had a job with good income, he had many friends, he was healthy and strong. While the other man was poor, not that he had nothing, but all he had were not his, it was lent by a generous great man lived in his town. all the things he had, including his friends, his talent, his job, his health, basically, his opportunity to live.

The poor once had everything just like the rich man. But he was dying of a severe disease. A disease that took away his ability to draw, to make a living. He sold everything to pay for his treatment, the treatment didn’t cure, and he was wishing for death to come faster that time, until he met the great man. the great man was the doctor who loved him like his own son, he cured him completely. after he was cured, the doctor helped him to gain his live back, he lent him a property, he gave him a job, he treated the man’s hand to be able to draw again. he lent him money, with no wish to be paid back, he just want the man to remember that these things were all not his.

The two now had quite similar possessions, similar house, friends, job, income, and health. the difference was how each of them handle what they had. The rich lived as the owner of his possessions, he took a good care of it as long as it was beneficial for him, he worked hard to get some money, he spent his money on anything he desired, he enjoyed his social life just like a normal guy.

The poor man lived as he has never lived before, he lived every second of his life with grateful feeling about being able to live again. he enjoyed every moment of his life, whether it was bad or good. he delighted in his job, he created so many beautiful paintings that expressed his happiness, he spent his money wisely, he spent it he treated his friends nicely, he took care of his house, he dare not to treat his second chance of living irresponsibly. He was eager to explore the world, he looked forward every day just like a child waiting for a dream vacation trip, He was excited to face any challenge in his life, He embraced life the way he had never done before.


Of these two young men, the poor had a better way of living, the poor had a spirit to see what life can offer, he was ready to explore each possibility lies ahead, he had the excitement to see how amazing life could be, he had what the rich didn’t. The richness of life.


The lives we are living are not ours, we are undoubtedly not in control of our lives. More precisely, not fully in control. Every one of us must have encountered some unexpected occurances. We can do anything to make something happen, but still, there are no 100% certainty, it is only bigger possibility. you can work hard, you can study diligently, you can improve your skill and broaden your knowledge, but no one can guarantee you a good grade in college, there is only a big possibility for you to get a good grade in college.

So who owns our lives?

God. He owned our live, He gave us family, friends, and talents, He maintained our health, He took care of our safety, He opened the doors of opportunities in our lives, He owns everything we had in this life. He owns it all, He can take it back anytime. but he is lending it to each of us currently. so our lives are not ours, it’s His.

Borrowed things should be treated according to the owner’s will. It should not be treated irresponsibly, the one who borrow is responsible to the owner.

God gave us time, use it wisely. He gave us family, treat them nicely. He gave us friends, love them deeply. He gave us chance to learn, learn diligently. He gave us health, take a good care of it. He gave us life, embrace it passionately.

Kejeduk

Today was such an unlucky day for me. I got a quite severe punishment for my mistake. I was mad, I was sad, I felt it was unfair for me to get this punishment.

Living a life is like walking through the woods, we don’t know exactly where we are going. sometimes it rains, sometimes the storms come, sometimes it is bright, we can’t really predict the situation. it is full of wonder, yet we sometimes neglect them. there are times when we must stay, there are times when we must move to another place where we can see things from different angle. There are times we must walk straight, keeping with our principles, yet sometimes we should change our direction. sometimes we trampled over the roots, sometimes we bumped on the branches.

I think today I bumped my face on a hidden branch. this ain’t good. it left a mark on my skin. it was really unexpected. but I think this was also a reminder for me. It reminded me to pay more attention to the road I walk, It reminded me that I was not supposed to go through that place, It reminded me that life is full of unexpected things, it reminded me that I am not in control of my life. It reminded me to surrender my life to the one who surrendered Himself for me.

Everything changes when we see it from a new perspective. good things can be bad, and what seems to be loss can actually be an unmeasurable treasure. Today was not a good day, if I see it from today’s perspective. maybe someday I see this day as another thing that shaped my life, maybe someday i see this day as a good lesson, not a bad punishment.

Today is not a good day, not yet.

Time Drops

And here I am sitting in front of my almost-4-year-old beloved laptop. Going through my very first time of having a birthday without having a morning kiss from my mom and dad. Time really flies, imagine it having wings and flying out of our pocket every second. Well here is a short story from me about time.

Time is like water dripping from our bucket of life from time to time, it can’t stop as it can’t defies the nature of gravity. Sometimes it spills when you live carelessly, sometimes you make additional mistake holes on our bucket, creating another way to waste it.

You decide how to use our drops of water, you decide how to make your time worth to spent. It depends on what you seek from this world. money,fame,love,comfort, it’s up to you. There are two types of vegetation you can choose, the one that stand firm in the midst of a typhoon called death, and the one that will just fly away when death comes. You can use it to water an oak tree to be a shelter in the middle of storms, or some sunflowers to make our lives more ornate.

The visible colourful flowers which smell so good that it attract the others, but it doesn’t last too long. And when the flowers gone, so do the people, because flowers are the only reason they come to you. they come to enjoy it, and even pull it out for their own advantages.

The longer lasting, not easily noticed tree needs more time and more diligence to grow. it is not as attractive as the flowers, but it is more useful, it provides protection for you and for the others, it attracts people too, but wiser people who can see and feel the comfort when they are around you, better people who understand more about how to use the drops of water they own.

So how do you wanna use the water in your bucket of life? some sealants named wisdom and self-control might not stop the drops, but it prevents more leaks on your bucket. When you know what you are chasing, you can make the everlasting out of these finite drops of time:)

This 19 years has been indescribable, full of unexpected events, some of it are well spent, but there are plenty of the time wasted carelessly, ignorantly, and irresponsibly. I hope I would have more self control and wisdom to spent my time, so when the typhoon of death comes, I can embrace it readily, and people could say “She lived a life worth living”